“A poem about disassociation”
Move.
My brain is here.
My body there.
I need to move.
The body doesn’t respond.
My body.
I am not in control of this.
My body.
A cracking blur
it sends parts of me
-farther down a road I can’t see.
I need to push-
I need to break the world.
Something between slips when I reach.
A wall grows taller to capture my body.
I will fucking climb this wall until it comes down.
I will move.
The wall grows higher.
I can’t control
my limbs, my blinking: my self.
I see the body on the landscape, staring
my blood is cold.
With the discovery of my own horror
I melt down into the depths of my brain that should belong only to me.
Who else would they belong to? I was born with a body that fights back.
I didn’t know it would fight me.
I see lists of things that are out of my control scroll past like the credits at the end of a movie that should still be playing.
I see the seconds count down like popcorn falling into my lap. One by one, I see my fear swallow myself, but I can’t control my throat to make it sink faster.
I don’t know why I need more beat for my heart,
but here I am
climbing walls going down.
But I give
I give my gasping breath for
another minute for
another second with my child.
I’m breathing with my own lungs again.
My blood is here, not for pain
not for a reason given from a faraway God
but for love of my one child of mine.